I have been on this journey of Surrender for almost seven years now. There are days when I feel like a baby taking its first step and other days when I feel as though I have reached a certain state of Surrender that feels promising and hopeful.
One thing I do know for certain is that I am a different person than I was seven years ago. I have grown with the challenges and feel more grounded and light in Spirit than I was.
Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. I was enduring the days of my life back then. Worrying about what the next day might bring. Now more than 2555 days have passed and I can truly say that all is well. I have healed and am healing still. It is said that the,"mind is a terrible thing to waste." I say, "days are a terrible thing to waste because your mind is filled with fear".
What tomorrow brings I do not know. I live Surrendered for this day.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Friday, April 02, 2010
Ohhh Child
It has been more months since posting on this blog. I have struggled over the winter with anxiety and some blues but have come to the point in my life where I know it will pass. I just deplore the anxiety though.
Quinn had an incident this winter where he got a severe headache and with his past history thought it could possibly be a stroke. So he called the ambulance. After a CAT scan, lumbar puncture and blood work, and a couple of shots of morphine, it was deemed a severe migraine. Poor guy then had a reaction to the morphine and was sick the entire next day. I went over to be his mother and do what I could to nurse him.
This incident set my anxiety into a full blown fear. I was a mess for a few days. For all of us that love Quinn, it is hard to imagine that he has had a heart attack at such a young age, but it is always in the back of our minds. It is scary.
So, a few weeks after this, when he told me he was trying out for the SWAT team for his city, I gulped. But no matter what I always stand behind him cheering him on. He is amazing in his fortitude. He told me he had started working out and getting ready for the physical tests that he would be put through in order to get on the team. I was happy for this. He needs to get aerobic exercise for his heart.
The day before his PT test he called me to tell me he had done very well on the oral and written part of the test. He also shared that he was a bit nervous about the PT test, as he had been taking a PT test at the police academy when he had his heart attack. And with that, my anxiety rose, although I did my best to stay calm and tell him he would be just fine. He said he knew he would be fine and that it was just a mental game for him.
I prayed all night. I asked all that loved him to pray for him. He wanted to get on the SWAT team more than anything. With all he did while in the military he was well suited for this. He would be an asset to any team.
I also begged (yes I begged) God for a sign that all was well.
When I am anxious and awaiting news I am all but worthless. I got nothing done that day other than checking in on Facebook a couple of times and reading a book. It was an absolutely beautiful day. 65 degrees on April 1st is something to write home about. The sky was blue and the air felt so wonderful.
In the early afternoon I came inside and checked my e-mail and looked on FB. A friend had written this on my page:
Lisa Sullivan In a million years you could never know what this post means to me.
I received the call late in the afternoon from Quinn telling me he had been chosen for the team. The joy in his voice was palpable and the smile on mine was wider than the sky.
The next day I felt as though I could get back to my life, although in talking with Quinn the night before he had told me of all the things he would do in SWAT school and again a lump appeared in my throat. I became resolved at that point that his journey often involved danger or imagined danger...for God is always with him and he is always safe in His arms.
As I was doing some sewing, I decided to listen to some music. I had been introduced the same week to Pandora radio and thought I would give it a try while I sewed. I created a station for Laura Nyro. I love her voice and the style of music she sings. I was still sitting at my computer when the third song came on. It was Laura singing and it was a melody of a group of songs. In the title I saw the words, Ohhh Child, but had never heard Laura Nyro cover that song. But is there any doubt in your mind that soon I was listening to her sing that song.
Tears streamed from my eyes once again. My glasses fell into my lap and I held my face in my hands. All I can say is that God is good to me. So very, very good to me. Ask and it is given. Trust in God. Surrender all fear and Fear Not.
Quinn had an incident this winter where he got a severe headache and with his past history thought it could possibly be a stroke. So he called the ambulance. After a CAT scan, lumbar puncture and blood work, and a couple of shots of morphine, it was deemed a severe migraine. Poor guy then had a reaction to the morphine and was sick the entire next day. I went over to be his mother and do what I could to nurse him.
This incident set my anxiety into a full blown fear. I was a mess for a few days. For all of us that love Quinn, it is hard to imagine that he has had a heart attack at such a young age, but it is always in the back of our minds. It is scary.
So, a few weeks after this, when he told me he was trying out for the SWAT team for his city, I gulped. But no matter what I always stand behind him cheering him on. He is amazing in his fortitude. He told me he had started working out and getting ready for the physical tests that he would be put through in order to get on the team. I was happy for this. He needs to get aerobic exercise for his heart.
The day before his PT test he called me to tell me he had done very well on the oral and written part of the test. He also shared that he was a bit nervous about the PT test, as he had been taking a PT test at the police academy when he had his heart attack. And with that, my anxiety rose, although I did my best to stay calm and tell him he would be just fine. He said he knew he would be fine and that it was just a mental game for him.
I prayed all night. I asked all that loved him to pray for him. He wanted to get on the SWAT team more than anything. With all he did while in the military he was well suited for this. He would be an asset to any team.
I also begged (yes I begged) God for a sign that all was well.
When I am anxious and awaiting news I am all but worthless. I got nothing done that day other than checking in on Facebook a couple of times and reading a book. It was an absolutely beautiful day. 65 degrees on April 1st is something to write home about. The sky was blue and the air felt so wonderful.
In the early afternoon I came inside and checked my e-mail and looked on FB. A friend had written this on my page:
Just was thinking of you as I heard "ooooh child" on the Muzak at work ... now that song always makes me smile and think of you! Love you, Lassie! xoxo ♥
I started crying immediately. There is NO other sign bigger than this (unless Katurah made a presence again). Here is my response:Lisa Sullivan In a million years you could never know what this post means to me.
I received the call late in the afternoon from Quinn telling me he had been chosen for the team. The joy in his voice was palpable and the smile on mine was wider than the sky.
The next day I felt as though I could get back to my life, although in talking with Quinn the night before he had told me of all the things he would do in SWAT school and again a lump appeared in my throat. I became resolved at that point that his journey often involved danger or imagined danger...for God is always with him and he is always safe in His arms.
As I was doing some sewing, I decided to listen to some music. I had been introduced the same week to Pandora radio and thought I would give it a try while I sewed. I created a station for Laura Nyro. I love her voice and the style of music she sings. I was still sitting at my computer when the third song came on. It was Laura singing and it was a melody of a group of songs. In the title I saw the words, Ohhh Child, but had never heard Laura Nyro cover that song. But is there any doubt in your mind that soon I was listening to her sing that song.
Tears streamed from my eyes once again. My glasses fell into my lap and I held my face in my hands. All I can say is that God is good to me. So very, very good to me. Ask and it is given. Trust in God. Surrender all fear and Fear Not.
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