The Monster Under the Bed

Yesterday I took some time to go back and read this blog from the beginning. It brought back so many thoughts and feelings. Many ups and downs and joys and sorrows. It seems that my fears about Quinn have now faded into a landscape of my mind that I no longer report to and that is a huge relief. So much of my energy in the past 6 years has been concentrated on his safety and well being and I am thankful that all is well.

Most of you know about Quinn and his journey but today I would like to tell you about my other child, Molly, and the work she is doing to reach and help young children on the autism spectrum.

Molly works at a special school in Portland, Maine called The Reach School. She took the job two days after her brother Quinns heart attack. On the day of her interview the director said she wanted Molly to meet the little boy she would be teaching. His name was Quinn. Serendipity at its best!!! Thank you Universe.

This past Halloween molly who is amazing in her talent at creative thought and art, dressed up as: The Monster Under the Bed. As her mother, I was amazed at her ingenuity in creating this persona and it served as a great revelation at the time to me and I would like to share that revelation with you here.

Around the time of Halloween, I was going through a very rough patch which I spoke about in a post a few weeks ago. This is the time I sought psychological help, acupuncture and the time I read the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie. When Molly posted the photos of herself dressed as The Monster Under the Bed, it occurred to me like a slap across the face, or a two by four to the head, that WE are our own Monster Under the Bed. Our thoughts are the monster and just like the not-real monster under the bed that we all can remember being afraid of as young children, our thoughts are no more real than the aforementioned monster. What a revelation!

To rid ourselves of the monster thoughts that we create within our troubled mind all we need to do is look at them for what they are. Remember as a child when your parent or caregiver would come to your bedside when you cried for help, "There's a monster under the bed". The parent would get down on their knees and look under the bed and say, "No monster, sweetheart. There is nothing to be afraid of" and with another kiss goodnight we would fall back to sleep. Sweet relief...no monster.

The Monster Under the bed....is not real...and neither are the negative thoughts of mind chatter that incessantly tell you that you are in some sort of harms way. You are not. The monster under the bed is YOU and YOUR thoughts and this is something you have control over once you see it for what it is. Next time you have a negative thought looping through your mind please recall the photo up above and see the smiling face of Molly. Let her loving face replace your negative thought with a giggle. She would love that.

Thank you Molly for being the bright light and teacher that you are. Thank you for reinforcing this concept for me. And please take a look at the work Molly does on behalf of pre-schoolers on the autism spectrum http://www.firstgiving.com/mollysullivan and donate some money if you feel inspired.

Musings on humanity

I have been doing lots of reading since the first of the year. Reading is one of my true passions and it is not unusual that I have 2-3 books that I am reading at the same time. When I leave the library I am often overloaded with more books than I can hold.

I love going to libraries and grew up and raised my children in the town of Norfolk, Connecticut which has one of the most glorious libraries on earth. Truly, see for yourself. http://www.norfolklibrary.org/. And even though this is a nice website it does nothing for the intimate welcome one receives upon arrival. In winter there might be a fire you can cozy up next to and read your favorite magazine or a long time friend also there to chat awhile with. I raised my children across the street from this library and would often take them over to get a slew of childrens' books each week. How I loved reading to them

Ah, I have digressed.

The books I have been reading lately are books of how the human spirit can soar to new heights when put to the test.

The Long Walk: The True Story of a Trek to Freedom (Paperback)

Breakfast at Sally's: one homeless mans inspirational journey

Love Greg and Lauren

My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey (Paperback)

My Lobotomy

These books, each have given me great insight into not only myself but the human race as a whole. How magnificent we are. The two I am reading now are Love Greg and Lauren and My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey (Paperback) Love Greg and Lauren is the true story of a women who was burned over 82.5 % of her body as a fireball came out of the elevator shaft of tower one on September 11. Yesterday as I was reading I took utter and complete awe over this organ called skin. I looked down at my own skin and thanked it profoundly for all it does to keep me alive and whole. How magnificent it is and how taken advantage and for granted it is by most of us. I slathered it with cream and implored it to keep on working just the way it has.

On my way to work yesterday, just after worshiping my skin, I was listening to the book on CD of My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey (Paperback). It is read by the author herself whose voice is very distinctive and which I have learned to just love. I could just reach through the CD player and envelope this woman with love. It is the story of how this brain scientist watched on a certain level as she herself experienced a fairly massive stroke to the left side of her brain.

When the left side of the brain is shut down, the language center does not work and the negative mind chatter which can haunt many of us is gone. Poof. Gone. What is left is the right side thinking which is open minded, filled with love, and as expansive as the whole universe. There is peace on the right-side of the brain.

She has taught me so much about why I behave the way I do (I am very right brained) and this has given me a renewed sense that I am perfect just the way I am. Although I am right brain dominant, this does not mean I don't have the mind chatter and linear thinking that goes along with the left side. Without the left side working properly, this blog would not exist. It is our source of language. But she teaches us that this voice of chatter, which goes between being our fairy godmother and the wicked witch of the west, can be silenced through choice. This has only reinforced for me the teachings of Byron Katie and the process she calls The Work.

As I listened to her story, again I was filled with wonder for another organ of our body, the brain. Again magnificent. Again in awe. Dr. Jill was saying she no longer spends time in worry. " Life is just to short and precious to spend time in this activity". I smiled as she said this and agreed whole heartily. Not one minute had gone by when I passed a house and with a car in the driveway with a bumper sticker that said "Life is Precious". Now I know this bumper sticker was speaking about "unborn" life...but I could not help but see perfect synchronicity in this moment.

Ahhh...life is good....life is precious. Thank you skin and thank you brain.

New horizens...letting go of thoughts

Everyday is a new chance to live a life held in the hand of the Universe. What a joy it is for me to know that no matter what, life goes on and the world keeps spinning. The small trivial things that upset me and try to take me off course are nothing real. They are just my mind weaving a story. Each time I find myself stuck in the thoughts of, "Why should I?", "Why did this happen?", "What is my purpose?", I am now able to remind myself that this is just some neurons in my brain in the continual loop of "mind chatter".

Yesterday I received the news that I will be able to go see Byron Katie for free in April when she comes to New York City. Her work along with some other great teachers such as Eckhart Tolle and Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor are giving new meaning to the act of Surrender for me.

It has all become so simple to me. My mind starts up on its rant...and I turn it off. Nothing more to it. I will no longer be held captive to this part of my brain that wants to keep running the negative thoughts over and over. Doing this has left me with more time to truly live and enjoy what is happening in the present moment.

What a journey. I am so amazed at how the path keeps opening new and wonderful horizons for me.

A must see video

February 4

To Surrender, at its core is passive,
but to get to the place where we can Surrender we must make an active choice.

To be Surrendered, or not to be.

It can often be a confusing choice especially in a world where
we are constantly asked to be in control.

The only control you really need though is your desire to turn it all
over to the Power that created all there is.

Every part of nature does it.
Why not us?

Choose wisely and feel the immense peace that passes all understanding.

Welcoming in the new year with a completely new way of being.

All I can say is WOW. What a journey this life is.

Since last writing in September I feel as though I have been so busy that I have not had a moment to even think. However during this same time my life has transformed in ways I could only have imagined and did imagine for years. I believe the most significant change came when I was most needy and ready to receive.

For myself, I feel as though the "crisis" is finally over and I have never, since being a little girl, felt so at peace. Now I know you are saying, "Please Lisa tell us what has caused this grand transformation? Share with us your insight. Give us some hope."

And so I shall.

It all began or ended in late October. The anniversary of my son's heart attack sent me right over the edge. I just could not stop thinking about how this could have happened in his life. Why his heart? Why him? Yada yada yada. I was doing all I could to Surrender these thoughts but just felt stuck within them despite all my knowledge about how to do this. At the same time I was teaching a class called 60 Days to Surrender Success and it was helping me to stay afloat just above the surface. As the days of October went by I could not find a chance to see my son and I needed to see him, feel his strong hug and confirm to myself that he was really doing as well as he told me he was. But days and weeks went by and we could just not get our schedules
to connect.

As I continued to despair I finally knew I needed to take some more action so I sought out a therapist, acupuncture and some Bach Flower essence to help me through this time.

I began in earnest using all of these therapies and felt that I was at the very least taking some action that would hopefully help me change the way I was thinking. My therapist was lovely and sweet, certainly concerned with how I was feeling and mentioned that she thought I was suffering Post Traumatic Stress. That felt OK, but it did not address how I was to manage these thoughts. On the way home from my second appointment with her I stopped at the local library and went to the self-help section. My eyes stopped on a title Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life and I pulled it from the shelf. I had read this book at another time and it did not resonate with me, but I put it in my bag and checked it out along with another book by Byron Katie A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are

I began to read the book that night and it made sense to me. My mind had been lost and focused in the negative happenings in Quinn's life instead of focused on the great achievements he has made. What is it about the mind that tends to focus on the negative and fear and looks at the positive and just run of the mill as not as significant as the so called negative? My son's life had been filled with great achievements and he had time and again taken any negative moments and dealt with them with honor, dignity and courage. What I came to realize is that it was not the negative moments, the real factual moments of his life that stressed me. It was the story I was telling about them and the meaning I was giving to them that caused me the intense stress. This was a revelation!

But the lesson was not complete. I guess Spirit decided I needed a little reinforcement to really force this new way of thinking into my head. It was November 2, the day before the election and I finally was able to see Quinn. He came to my house to pick up some of his army gear to add to a survival/emergency kit he was making. I strolled out with him to our barn where he had stored boxes of gear that he had bought while in the military. I watched him go through this stuff with awe and disbelief. He had Ghillie suits and HAZMAT gear. He pulled out an Afghan hat that he told me he used when he was "undercover" in Afghanistan. He had medical equipment and books on survival. It went on and on and the whole time he regaled me with stories of his experiences and why and how each piece of equipment was used.

He came in the house and sat with me for over an hour, we laughed and spent the time I needed to see that, yes he really was doing great. Later on that evening I went to bed and pulled the other book by Byron Katie A Thousand Names for Joy: Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are and started to read. The significance of what I read will stay with me forever along with the way God chose to drill these new thoughts into my mind and brain. I skimmed through the book to see if anything felt relevant to me and there was a dialog with a women who feared for her adult children's lives. She had no real reason to have these feeling, but they were with her none the less.

Katie started "The Work" on her. The Work consists of asking yourself four questions to any negative thought or feeling you are having.

1) Is it true?

2) Can you absolutely know that it is true?

3) How do you feel when you think that thought?

4) What would your life be like without that thought?

As Katie dialoged with this women much if not all of what she was feeling about her children reflected my own thoughts. It was as if I was listening to myself. I could have spoken the same words. Finally Katie says to her," So you are afraid your children do not have the survival skills to live" and in that moment I started to laugh. I laughed until I cried. I laughed for so long, my husband thought I was going nuts. Every time I stopped laughing the words," So you are afraid your children do not have the survival skills to live" would pop in my head and I would begin to laugh again.

Why was I finding this so funny? Because I have a son who has more survival skills than anyone I know. I mean this child has true survival skills and has survived circumstances that I can't even begin to imagine. At 24 years of age, it is safe to say he has seen more and done more than anyone else I know. What the heck was I doing worrying about him?

One other piece of what Katie wrote about clinched a forever change of mind for me. She says there are three kinds of business.

My business.

Your business.

God's business.

She further says that the only business anyone should worry or care about is your own business. God's business were things like natural disasters and health and death worries. There it was, the evidence I needed to stop my constant worry about my son's health. It was not my business. I was in God's business and Quinn's business. He was an adult and had manage to survive oh so much, from boot camp to airborne school to ranger training. He had survived a 10 month tour in Afghanistan as part of a scout/sniper team. He had survived a 50 foot fall out of a helicopter and his body temperature falling to 93 degrees and developing hypothermia. He had survived a tour with Special Ops in Iraq going door to door looking for hostages during the time when Iraq was having their first free election since our takeover. And most recently he had survived a massive heart attack. This child is a survivor! Pure and simple!

It has now been over 2 months since these revelations and a change in my thought process and I am pleased to say that the peace has stayed with me throughout.

If you would like to join me in doing the work, there is a link in the right hand side bar. Sometimes a change in thinking just clicks as it did for me. Who knows maybe The Work will click for you.

I see the Light

Last night on my way to work I was listening to a tape by Marianne Williamson speaking about the Course in Miracles and by no accident the first tape was about guilt. Then this morning I was listening to some news and flipped the channel of the TV and there was Joel Osteen (a Christian minister) speaking of how un-guilty we are in the eyes of God. (ARE YOU LISTENING LISA)...ahhhh yes I am!

What I got from this is when we hold onto our dramas and guilt it keeps us away from who we really are and who we might become when we release it.

Why do we judge ourselves and others when God Almighty does not do this? All we have to do is look to nature and realize that God does not judge, that guilt is about judging ourselves or another and deaming them less than something our ego has invented.

While I was driving I was shaking my head and agreeing with what she was saying. I was stopped at a red light and all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw some writing on a car that was turning towards me in the other direction. I strained my eyes to see what the writing said and it said "The little mustard seed"...and then I noticed that the car was the color of mustard...but I knew there was a bigger meaning to me seeing that car because I know the story of the mustard seed from the bible. And then Marianne mentioned the faith of a mustard seed. Yup, I almost drove off the rode...and then she started speaking of Surrender. OK...now I am really listening.

Then my mind started going crazy and I wished I could have pulled over and started writing right then and there. But alas, I had to wait till this morning and I have lost a bit of the clarity that was coming..but I remember the one thing that became so relevant to me is the thought of God as the father. As a mother of two, I can honestly say that there is NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING that these two humans could do that would EVER turn me away from them. There is NOTHING that would make me stop loving them. And in saying that, in my eyes these two humans are guiltless...completely. This does not mean in the so called "real world" that they have never strayed or done things "they" might not be proud of, what it does mean is that as their mother, I can look at this things and completely without question see the real "children of God" that they are.

In having these thoughts I realized in an instant the love of God and how truly guiltless we are in the eyes of God. He/She has given us the perfect way to understand this (in the love we have for other humans and for myself most specifically the love I have for my children).
Now, I know not everyone is a parent, and may not understand this on the level that I am speaking, but I promise you that it is real. God's love for us without ANY conditions is real, true and faithful.

If God loves us this way, and sees NOTHING in us that is 'wrong', why do we continue to judge ourselves and others as guilty? It makes no sense.
Ask God today to help you see yourself the way He sees you. Ask God to help you forgive yourself (from your own viewpoint) the way you already are forgiven in the eye of God. Ask God to transform your negativity into a great and grand purpose. A purpose that shines the light that was created in "His" image and reflects that you are a witness to His grace and fully clothed in the Grandness of who you truly are;

A child of God.

"60 Days to Surrender Success" Starting Sept 8

September 8, 2008

http://isurrenderthis.ning.com/group/60daystosurrendersuccess

60 Days to Spiritual Surrender Welcome to “60 Days to Spiritual Surrender”

Setting yourself up for Successful Surrender

Day by day for 60 days (8 Weeks) you will be asked to stay focused with your thoughts, your beliefs, your intention and then to completely surrender the outcome to the Universe.

As with most things in this life, you will get out of this what you put into it.

If you are not familiar with “I Surrender This”, please go to the website www.isurrenderthis.com and download the e-book or order the full product “I Surrender This”.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but I can’t emphasize enough that the core piece to your success is to work with the complete kit/altar. It is a holistic process and it will be to your advantage to work with it all.The Universe it open and willing to all that you would wish for and desire. It is your job to remove any obstacles which may be influencing any other outcome than the outcome you desire.

Surrender is an active thought of “Thy will be done”. It is not enough to just wish something into existence. You must think it, believe in it, intend for it to happen, and then surrender the how, why, when, and where’s to the Universe.

What you will need to work this course:

1)A journal or “I Surrender This” kit.If you have not purchased “I Surrender This” you can use a journal of your choosing. Just make sure it is not something you are using for other work. Your intention for this course should be to Surrender and nothing else. I am a big believer in the field of energy. You want your energy for this to be clear of all other work and thinking.

2)An open mind. I will be suggesting many things that may be out of your awareness. If I mention something you have never heard of, take the time and do some research on it. The internet is a vast resource for anything I may be speaking of.

3)Prepare mentally each day to be accepting of the work. Be kind to yourself. The better you prepare and go inward the better your chances at fulfilling your dreams. This preparation is important work! It is readying your mind to accept what is already yours and to release the illusion that it is not.

4)Understand that now is all you have. What may be getting in the way of you achieving and realizing anything for your life? Is procrastination or avoidance getting in the way?

5)Don’t let the simplicity of some of the exercises fool you. Each one is designed specifically for a reason and should if at all possible be done in order.

If you ever have a question please e-mail me at info@isurrenderthis.com

As always, my blessings are with you,Lisa Sullivan

I will always love you, Karen

Today marks 4 years since the passing of one of my best friends, Karen Satherlie Davidson.

I feel her presence so often in my life and can still hear her laughter and be touched by her constant caring. She is never far away.

When Quinn was in the intensive care unit, I could see her sitting on the side of his bed. I know she held his hand in the helicopter and I know she watches over so many that she loved her on Earth.

What a powerful and loving woman she was. Bright, beautiful and filled with passion.

I love you Karen, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

A Success

So, 7 days after writing this, Quinn received the phone call we have waited 7 months for.

Come back to work!!!!!

As I was writing this blog, he called to tell me about his first day "out on the streets". He loved it. Quinn loves to help people and he loves to feel he is also protecting people. It is a perfect job for him at this point in his life. I could hear the joy in his voice. My prayers have been answered.

Being Surrendered, letting go of the how's, it works.

Here is a post from another blog of mine;

People talk of unwavering hope, trust, faith, optimism and Surrender. Easy to talk about and often hard to walk the walk.

I have a son who is a vision of walking the walk and I am so proud of him. On October 9 this past year he had a massive heart attack while he was in the last few days of training to become a police officer. He was second in his class of 50 and looking forward to being on duty the following week. He was only 23 years old and had already spent 4 years in the military with 2 deployments.

Yes, he is a warrior...but a warrior of the highest kind...he is the one you would want by your side in an emergency. The one fighting for you and your loved ones. He has passion and a light that shines brightly. Of course he is my child and I love him dearly, so I may be somewhat biased.

A few days after his heart attack his doctor came into his room and when my son asked when he could go back to work he was told (in the doctors opinion) he would never be a police officer. He had just spent a year of his life in training and was not at all pleased with this comment. He pushed on!!!

He was released from the hospital and soon told he was testing positive for an auto-immune disease called Anti-phospholipid antibody syndrome and it would require a blood thinning medication for the rest of his life. This would be a deal breaker (if true) to ever being a police officer. But he held onto hope, trust, faith, optimism and was Surrendered to the perfect outcome for all.3 months later when tested again, he was negative for the anitbodies and subsequent tests again were negative.

Many specialists and tests later, he was taken off the blood thinners (deal back on) and again he pushed on. Finally when he thought the end of this ordeal was soon to be over he was asked to take a nuclear stress test to see the extent of the damage to his heart. Although the test showed damage, he passed this test with flying colors.

He called his doctor and asked for an immediate return to work order. Weeks went by, phone calls made. Nothing. Finally a return to work order was sent to his lawyer to be sent to the police department. It was not good news. The doctor again showed negativity and said he could not promise he would not have another heart attack. My son would require monitoring and health checkups (OMG not another deal breaker)...but my son held onto hope, trust, faith, optimism and Surrender. What will be will be and it is in God's hands now.

This week, 7 months since his heart attack, he recieved a phone call from the captain of his police department. "Could you be here Monday morning for duty?"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can!!!!!!!!!!!! I Am filled with hope, trust, faith, optimism. I have Surrendered and the time is now.

In my world, none of it ever would have happened. EVER. When he had the heart attack I had already spent years manifesting a wonderful life for him. I was heart broken myself. I remember while he was in the hospital the pain in my own heart was palpable...his was somewhat broken and mine was breaking for his! But through it all we have both held onto our belief that we are never alone, that we are on purpose, and that God is watching over and caring for this situation.We both have held onto hope, trust, faith, optimism and remained Surrendered to the perfect outcome.

It was sometimes hard not knowing how this would resolve. Would he ever work again? Would his health remain stable? Of course there were moments and days where we each had to dig deep to find these qualities. There were moments when I felt abandon by God only to have Him reach down and hold me in His arms and reassure me that 'all was well'. But every moment that I look at my son, I look with pure awe at what he has endured at such a young age. He has Powerful Intentions and he is manifesting them each moment.

We may never in this life know the reason for his heart attack. The medical community has no answers. All we can do is have hope in a bright future for him, keep the faith even when things don't appear to be going the way we want, trust that there was a reason and he is cared for always, and to let our optimism shine brightly for others to see. I am blessed beyond measure and I am always Surrendered.

Day 1 2008

Since I wrote this course, I have done this many times...I still have all of the days worth of lessons from a couple of years ago and it is amazing to see how the Universe has helped and changed each of my fears. When I first wrote the course, my son was serving in Afghansitan and money was a huge issue. The second time I did it, he was in Iraq and we had moved and money was flowing. I did it again last summer and it was a whirlwind of change. Whew it was one heck of a ride.

Soon after finishing it and going through some real trying times, I came to a place of bliss. Amazing peace and bliss. The next day, my 23 year old son (the same son) had a massive heart attack.

The Surrendering I have done in the past 7 months has been amazing. I am blessed to be able to let God handle my life. I trust the Infinite. I continue to be a work in progress.

So...starting again.

1) Fears.
Still human. Still have fears come up.

AND THE THEME IS (drum roll)...HELLO?

OK, so I need to rethink this. I was about to write something and realize that it is not really a fear. I am over it for the most part. I don't even want to put it in print...here is a hint. When your healthy 23 year old son has a heart attack that still has no known cause, it can rock your world. It sets you wondering how something so unexpected can happen to a healthy person. Your mind (that loud voice of negativity) says, "What makes you think it could not happen again?". ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgrrrrrrrrrr. I really dislike the voice.

But when I sit down and really go over the journey of this child, it is beyond amazing to know how protected and cared for he has been, despite all he has been through. And this has become my focus rather than the fear of losing him.

I HAVE healed much of my fear. Circumstances have allowed me to really meet this fear straight on in the face. I am blessed. What a journey it has been.

So back to square one.

I guess a fear I have or something that challenges me and I would like to retire to God's hand is my feelings of not stepping out and being all I can be. My fear of rejection or being disliked for putting my thoughts and feelings out in the world.

I would like to touch people with the message of my journey, and fear I will step in my own way of achieving this.

I am here to help and I say this loud and clear so anyone listening will ask.

This is my voice, these are my intentions, my desires, my will. I ask that I align myself with Source to allow them to materialize in this world.

I Surrender This...

Starting a new 60 Day course of Surrender

It has been a long time since I have made the effort to do some real and heartfelt releasing. I look forward to giving my challenges over to Spirit. I welcome it with open heart.

I will be starting on Monday and blogging once again. I could never have imagined where it would have led last summer. It was some journey. I will just be in the moment and know that whatever truths I need to discover will make themselves evident to me and help me heal in anyway that is needed. I long for this.

If you would like to join in...please do.

Here is a link to sign up;
http://www.isurrenderthis.com/60days_surrender.html

April 7

Silence is often a lost treasure in our day to day lives.

Our heart and soul often yearn for quiet solitude.

Contemplation, inner awareness, meditation.

Make time for these and Surrender within the quiet solitude of the moment.

Shhhhhhhh......quiet the mind.

Tomorrowland

I have been away from the blog for awhile. I took a vacation during the month of March and feel refreshed after a long year.

Quinn is doing well. He feels great and is more than ready to be back at work. He is still in the process of returning to work. The legalities of it all seem never ending. Most of the time he has a good attitude about it and just keeps pushing forward in hopes that it is soon. It has been 6 months now since his heart attack and that is much too long for a young man of 23 to be hanging around.

So on another subject completely, today I fell in love. Head over smacking heals with Cary Grant. Ahhh you laugh!!! I watched a movie called "An Affair to Remember" starring Grant and Deborah Kerr and fell for him. Tall, dark and handsome. I love old movies. I am a sentimental fool and thoroughly enjoy the love stories of past years. I could spend days watching them.

I also loved a song that was played in the movie called Tomorrowland. Here is a tribute to Cary Grant with Deborah Kerr singing the song Tomorrowland.



Surrender Note:
Tomorrowland needs not happen in the future. It can happen today.
Close your eyes, make a wish, Surrender, and you're there

Saint of 9/11

Today I watched a most inspiring documentary called "The Saint of 9/11". It is about a chaplain for the NYFD who died on 9/11. His name is Father Mychal Judge. It is a truly inspiring movie that I urge you all to see.

I have Netflix and was able to download it right to my computer. Here is a link to a website devoted to the film.

www.saintof9-11.com

Matters of the heart

Quinn saw his cardiologist yesterday and received the news that his heart is back to pumping the normal amount of blood from his heart. This is great news. He also learned that the area where he lost blood supply during the MI has scarred. I guess this is expected, although I affirm he can turn these scars into healthy tissue again.

Yesterday, apropos, this was the days Heaven Letters. I will just copy the first part, you can read the entire letter on the site.

This is a portion 1/23/2008 HeavanLetter

God said:

There isn't any revelation that cannot reach the hollows of your heart.

There is not one thing in Heaven or on Earth that cannot appear in your heart.

There is not one blessing that cannot be deep in your heart.

All manifestations of love can live in your heart.

This is what your heart was made for.

All My beautiful messages are sent to your dear heart and are reachable there.

One message of love is reaching you right now.

Your heart is eager to receive My love. It is gulping at the chance.

Your heart beats for this splendid opportunity that is before it right now.

There are dozens of messages on their way to your heart.

Dozens, trillions!

All the messages I have ever sent continue to crisscross the Universe.

All of my energy whizzes through the Universe.

There is no heartbeat I miss.

I will read this message daily, for as long as it takes, for Quinn's heart to feel the healing and love that God is sending his way.

It is 3 months to the day since Quinn's heart healing MI. He is doing well. He will see his doctors next week to see how well he has healed. I am praying for a complete healing of his heart. A heart with perfect and strong function. If you read this, prayers for this would be much appreciated.

Blessings

May you be blessed in the new year

2008 is here. In one respect, it is just another day. But for me it feels like a new beginning. A time of quiet reflection and inner work. I love the new year and the promise it holds for change of self if we so desire.

When recently asked what my new years resolution was, I simply stated that I do not make new years resolutuons. What I DO do is to take notice of my life and look for ways to improve it. I found last year to be quite challenging. I look now within myself to see why I viewed it as such a challenge. Was it mearly my mental state? Or would most be challenged by the events of the recent months.

I look with optimism and trust toward this new year. Trust in myself and God that all is well. All is being cared for. I am Surrendered.

Tears of Joy

Where does the time go? Sometimes lately I feel like I am in warp speed. Days and weeks go by and I don't remember what I have done or where the time has gone. Scary!

I continue to remind myself and focus each day on all the good that is in my life. I admit I am often still rattled by Quinn's "heart healing". I have wonderful positive days where all the world is a-light with the glory of living and God's grace. I have other days where I can barely move to get out of my own way, weighted down with thought.

I can't imagine how I would be handling this without the constant reminder of Surrender. Just let it go...let it be...allow God...accept what is...go with the flow....God is in charge....you have angels and Quinn has angels and Molly has angels.

Yesterday I was thinking hard about Quinn and all he has been through....I admit I was feeling sorry for him and myself. Why did this have to happen? What does it all mean? What will he do? Will he be OK? You get the point? I was driving in my car as all of these thoughts raced through my head. And wouldn't you know the next song on the radio is....drum beat...."You Ain"t Seen Nothing Like the Mighty Quinn". I had to pull into a gas station and cry for a bit. Tears of joy!

An Angel Named Keturah

Around 15 years ago I picked up a book called "Angel Speak". In the book it suggests you ask your guardian angel its name. I was intrigued by this and sat down and did the meditation. As I did the meditation the name Keturah came to my mind. I immediately felt this was the name of my guardian angel and I started speaking to her. I used the name for my password on many computers and I named a design company after her..Keturah Designs...I made jewlery and sold it.

This was all well before the internet...one day a few years ago...I decided to see if I could find an origin to this unusual name. I spelled it Katura...and would always come away with Japanese stuff...and then one day...I must have spelled it differently and I about fell off the chair I was sitting on...this is what I found.

In the Book of Genesis, Keturah or Ketura (Hebrew: קְטוּרָה, Standard Qətura Tiberian Qəṭûrāh ; "Incense") is the woman whom Abraham marries after the death of Sarah. She bears him six sons, Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shuah.
She is styled "Abraham's concubine" (1 Chr. 1:32). Abraham married her probably after Sarah's death (Gen. 25:1-6). He also sent the sons he had by Keturah to live in the east far from his son Isaac. Rabbinic lore (midrash) holds that Keturah is identical with Hagar

I still consider her my guardian...maybe not an angel...but with me none the less...and teaching and guiding me.

Soooo...my son had a heart attack on Ocotber 9, 2007....and I called on God and all the angels to be with him. Many miracles occured on that day. He had emergency angioplasty and a stent put into his main artery and was placed in Cardiac Intensive Care. That night I slept in the waiting room for the CICU...a few blankets and some chairs became my bed for the night...or at least a place to rest my head. Around 7 or so the next morning...after being awake most of the night, I went to see how Quinn was doing. He was doing well, tired and upset, but hanging in there physically. I sat down in the chair in the room and my eyes gazed upon the wall where there was a white-board. On the white board it gave the date, and the names of his doctor, nurse and assistant nurse. My eyes flew open as I saw the name Keturah as the name of his assistant nurse. How could this be? I had never heard someone with that name in my life. I had never heard it used before. Even most people who know the bible don't remember the name Keturah...but there it was...a 'sign' that she was with us...watching over my son.

Later that afternoon I took Keturah (the nursing assistant) aside and told her how her name had brought an amazing sign to me from my guardian angel named Keturah. Her eyes misted over with tears and she was very touched by the story. Keturah looked at me and said, "Do you know what the name means? Do you know who Keturah was?" I told her I knew exactly who she was. Keturah smiled and again her eyes filled up with tears as she told me how touched she was to be used by God in such an amazing way.

Floating downstream

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have come here to write on the blog. But each time I did, my emotions took over, and what I wrote was not from the place of Surrender. It was coming from the heart of a mother whose heart and mind were still in the place of fear. I want very much to chronicle the many miracles and beautiful moments of the past month, for there have been many. I have found my place of peace. I am Surrendered. What a journey it has been. I also feel that Quinn deserves privacy and not his whole life spilled over a blog, and I am going to respect that and tell my story rather than his.

Quinn is doing well and "on the mend". It will be awhile before he feels the way he did before the heart attack and he may never feel exactly the same. He is forever changed.

Today I want to start sharing the many small miracles that I was a witness to during this event.

Where was I mentally when this all happened? The weekend before his heart attack was Columbus Day weekend. It was absolutely spectacular weather wise here in new england. My sister Patti http://www.pattisinclair.com/ had held a weekend retreat at an amazing home that our two husbands built in 2000-2002 http://www.roughlandfarm.com/. We are married to two brothers!!!!

On Sunday night after the retreat was over, Patti invited many friends and family over to celebrate her oldest childs' sixteenth birthday. Quinn and his girlfriend Kelly came over to help celebrate. He looked fabulous, glowing, smiling and ready to complete the last week of his 22 week course at the police academy. A special friend of my sisters who had been at the retreat stayed to share the festivities. She met Quinn for the first time and although I was not in the room when they met, she told me later she put his face in her hands and told him how handsome he was. She told him how she prayed for him while he was deployed.

Later on that same evening Quinn's girlfriends mother and stepfather and sister also came over to see this spectacular estate. Quinn worked in the building of it doing "slave labor" when he was in highschool and he wanted to share it with them. We all had a fun time sharing the night and the gift of our family and friends together. I was SO content. Really content. Glowing myself.

The next morning, Monday, I went over to the house again to swim in the pool and enjoy the sauna and hot tub. I remember clearly swimming in the pool as the glorious autumn sun gleamed in on me and the leaves outside shown in their amazing brilliant colors. I spoke outloud to my sister that "I have not felt this content and happy in years". For me, I felt that life, just around the corner, was finally going to give me peace. Life does not give you peace. It must always come from within and not from outward circumstances. This is THE message. For my outward world was soon to change dramatically.

On Tuesday morning I was reading e-mails and getting ready for work. I had just recently reunited with an old friend after 33 years. We had been e-mailing back and forth for a few days. That morning I had recieved an email from him telling me much about his life for the past 33 years. I again was content and filled with wonder at how much fun the Universe holds, and then the phone rang. It was 2:14 10/9/07. It was Midstate Memorial Hospital in Meridan Connectictut. The phone showed that it was an "out of area" call and I thought twice about answering it. The phone call was to tell me that they had Quinn with them and he was being transported to Hartford Hospital. I was still quite calm and not fully understanding what was going on. I thought he must have injured himself at the police academy and needed further treatment. It was when I asked them how long the ambulance was going to take to get him from Midstate to Hartford that the reality hit. It was then they told me he was "in the middle of a major cardiac event" and was being taken by LifeStar Helicopter. There are no words to express how I felt upon hearing this. I basically dropped the phone and started running for the car. Every person I tried to call did not answer their phone. I was shaking and screaming out to God for help. I live over an hour and a half from Hartford and wanted to just fly there. I finally reached my parents and in 30 seconds asked them to get to Hartford Hospital ASAP. In the mean time Quinn had actually called Kelly and had spoken with her. He remained awake and talking through the entire event.

I still did not know that she (Kelly) knew and I just started driving to Hartford. When I reached Norfolk I planned on stopping at Quinn's house to try and find Kelly. When I rounded the corner near their home I saw my brother-in-law and sister-in-law pulled over on the side of the road waiting for me. They told me Kelly was in another town and where I could meet her. It was all so very sureal. On the ride to the next town, I repeatedly tried to reach Quinn's dad. I did not know his phone number and numerous attempts with the phone company did not yield much. I recieved a call from my sister telling me that her husband Michael was right behind me on the road and he was going to drive me and Kelly once we reached the next town. No one thought I was fit to drive. I wonder why?

It was absolutely the longest car ride of my life. But here is one of the miracles. Our friend Marie, the one who Quinn met for the first time on Sunday and who told him how handsome he is, well she is a Rieki volunteer at Hartford Hospital and she just happens to work on Tuesdays. Hmmmm!! She also always turns her cell phone off while she is working, but on this day she had it on.

Marie speaking now: Everytime I hear the whirl of the LifeStar Helicopter I pause and pray for the person inside and for their family. I send them love and Rieki energy.

Marie heard Lifestar and paused and did her thing and minutes later she recieved a call from my sister telling her Quinn was on his way to Hartford by LifeStar. Maries answer was that it had just landed. For Marie it was beyond her comprehension to believe that the person she had just prayed for and sent loving energy to was the handsome, glowing man she had met two days before. What an angel she was/is.

I continued on the long drive and now recieved a call from my sister telling me that Marie was there. That LifeStar had landed. That Marie was standing outside the operating room holding the space for Quinn. This still makes be so very emotional and filled with gratitude.

I really had no clue what was going on with Quinn. I knew it was his heart, but had no idea what acutally was wrong. No where in my mind was I thinking heart attack. When I was about 15 minutes from the hospital I was able to speak with a nurse who was with Quinn. She told me he was still in surgery and had just had a stent put in and had had a 100% blockage to his main artery. Holy mother of God! She told me he was doing well and where to go when I got to the hospital.

When I arrived in the Cath Lab I was met by my parents and Marie. Just to finally be there took a weight off my shoulders. I was also in constant contact with my daughter Molly who had just moved to Portland, Maine and she told me that psychically she was with Quinn in the helicopter and was still with him.

God was good to us that day. Quinn was strong and couragous and held on. I am forever grateful for the miracles of that day. For the people that work in the healthfield and saved his life. For the caring nurses and caregivers. For my family. For Quinn.